Just finished my programming assignment early for once (lol… 4:18 AM is apparently early) and lots of things have been on my mind, so I guess I’ll blog about it. I apologize for the emotional post yesterday since I know it’s such an abrupt tone difference when you compare it to the other posts, especially after an absence of content. It’s just that I went through a lot of really bad breakdowns this quarter and I guess I’ve found that writing is a good way to deal with stress and anxiety while sorting through my thoughts. It’s really weird, even for me, since usually I’m pretty calm and collected. It isn’t the first time I’ve confronted stressful and painful obstacles, it’s just that before the old me would just shrug it off and take the failure without much care. Things have changed though, and I actually care about my life now since I finally see an opportunity.
Even though before college I was miserable and was kind of just mindlessly drifting wherever life would take me, I guess I kind of miss it. Being a kid, not worrying about responsibilities or anything, it felt great. This quarter has really shown me how unforgiving the world can be, and it’s just depressing. What happened to the times where my life had no worries at all? All of the sudden I’m racking up debt in loans for school. I have no financial or even moral support from my family. I’m struggling to work hours a week just to get some food. I don’t have a car, so it’s hard even getting food in the first place since I have to walk miles carrying groceries or I have to waste valuable hours at a bus stop which is miles away from the market anyway. My major’s department decides to start weeding people with ridiculously difficult classes. My social life is non-existant now. Everything sucks, and I’m really alone. It feels like the world is moving too fast, but I know that I’m really just too slow.
I don’t even really have anyone I can actually sit down and talk to seriously which is why I’m blogging like this in the first place I guess. Sure I have great friends, but honestly I can’t imagine talking to them about anything serious. They just don’t understand what I’m going through since they don’t really need to worry or care about what happens to them after college. They have family and friends to go back to and support them. For me, I don’t.
The scariest thing is that even if I do pass college, chances are I won’t get a job with just a degree. I need to make something big on my own time outside of the major curriculum, something that will wow employers or attract investors, otherwise it will be as if I’m applying for a job with a high school diploma anyway. As harsh as college is for me right now, I understand it’s still cradling me from the real world. If I can’t deal with college, how can I even survive in the real world? I need to take control of my life now, even if I have to sacrifice everything that makes me happy. If it means I can live a better life in the future, it will be worth it. Honestly, I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to meet my definition of success, but I would rather fail and understand I never had a chance instead of giving up and never even knowing if I had a chance at all.
Anyway, I’m going to try blogging a lot more often to track my thoughts and progress so maybe I can look back and review them to help figure out what I could improve on. This does mean that many posts will be a bit more personal, but to make up for it I’m going back to posting actual content you care about including tutorials and stuff. Hopefully they won’t end up as emo as these past two though… Haha.
So pretty much I’m starting over with everything and I’m throwing away all the extra weight I don’t need. This includes big projects like Modern Edge and the online community project. Sorry everyone… I guess you can consider them a Duke Nukem Forever, but I hope to one day return and actually finish them. Instead of going high-level with languages like PHP and C# and building big projects, I’ve decided to start at a lower-level with C and start small. Hopefully I will build up from there.